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  • Writer's pictureAbby Asuncion Media

Comedic Monologue - Costume Klepto

Comedic monologue written by Abby Asuncion based on the prompt "someone trying to convince their best friend to commit a crime." In Costume Klepto, the main character reveals their side hustle to their roommate: A mascot costume thief and reseller.

I think it’s time you learned the truth. How I can afford to live in our apartment as a Burger King cashier. You know how mascot costumes have gone missing all around the area? Amusement parks, schools, parades. Well, it’s time to come out of the closet. Wait, that came out wrong. Just open my closet, okay?

This is why I needed the room with the walk-in closet. It’s been me all along. They’ve called me the Costume Klepto, the Mascot Marauder, the Habit Heist-man, the Regalia Robber, the Cosplay Cracksman, and my personal favorite after stealing that Big Bird costume right there, the Sesame Street Stripper. I know, it’s crazy. But these things go for hundreds, sometimes even thousands of dollars.

Seeing as you’ve broken my leg and rent is due next week, you can understand the dilemma I’m in. Technically the dilemma we’re in, since we both know you can’t afford rent by yourself. I think you can see where I’m going with this. I just got a request on my website from someone named [CHECKS PHONE] NickFury69 — yes, I know that doesn’t say “fury,” but my “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy is easier to enforce if I pretend that I don’t know what they’re using the costumes for. Anyways, Mr. Fury recently requested that I steal any Pokémon costume from today’s New Year’s Parade.

This is where you come in. It’s time you add to my accolades as the Pokémon Pickpocket. Don’t worry, it’s easy. You just go in, put the costume on, and then walk out. No one suspects the person in a Pikachu costume. Just shake a little ass for the kiddies first and you’re golden. Mickey Mouse is in a car outside right now waiting to give you a ride. Godspeed.

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